Staff Meeting Purgatory
In Honor of Teacher Appreciation Week or Day?
There is the meeting which is called not because there is business to be done, but because it is necessary to create the impression that business is being done. Such meetings are more than a substitute for action. They are widely regarded as action.
—John Kenneth Galbraith
What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow
Out of this stony rubbish?
—T.S. Eliot
Um, couldn’t all this have just been an email?
—Anonymous To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, April is the cruelest month. . . for the obligatory staff meeting.
The after-school sign-in sheet confirms our exhausted attendance, the silent roll-call of identified sleepwalkers. In less functional environments, fatigued administrators may supervise the checking of agenda boxes, through the fog of fading fixes and missed opportunities.
Isn’t it time to wind down, not wind up?
A recent building meeting featured a return to Capturing Kids Hearts © and an odd refresher of what to do when the classroom gets a bit challenging. Although late August is typically the schedule for these type of pedagogical review exercises, there we were, trying to put our phones down, stay awake, mumble in smiling unison.
Staff members were asked to divide into ten table groups to address a list of 10 scenarios.
The following four sample prompts are provided with (a) some fairly stock answers and (b) my unspoken alternative response. Enjoy!
“Your students are working on an independent assignment at their seats. One student is not doing any work. How could you address this behavior?”
a. Stroll over to student, in a non-threatening manner. Ask if something’s wrong, and acknowledge their response before slowly guiding back to on-task activity.
b. Pry window open, offer rope ladder if needed, help student escape outside to permanent freedom.
“A student is upset with you and she lashes out, saying hurtful things to you. Your feelings are hurt, and you are embarrassed by her actions. What can you do?”
a. Try urging the distraught student to meet you outside the door in the hall to calm her down. Briefly recognize her concerns while maintaining composure, with suggestion to meet later about situation before referring her to staff support (social worker, student dean, counselor, etc.) who can address issues more immediately, while you return to teaching class. Her anger may ultimately have less to do with the teacher than originally claimed.
b. Interrupt student to echo her complaints. Yell, “I agree!” before calling security to escort you out of building in instantaneous retirement from profession.
“You are asking your class deeper-level questions to help them process a lesson you are teaching. One of your students is acting particularly silly, raising a hand and offering flippant and irresponsibly incorrect answers.
a. (Sometimes this was me, some 50 years ago! Can you tell!?) Respond with quick follow-up joke which may or may not be directly related to student’s quip. Non-sequiturs and cartoon voices acceptable. Reset lesson as teacher humorously demonstrates how to remain knowledgeable facilitator, even when topic may be uncomfortable for some.
b. Start laughing uncontrollably, until you collapse on desk or floor, in feigned massive coronary or stroke event. Appear lifeless and take note of which students, if any, attempt to come to your aid (for future reference).
“You are giving a test. You see one of your students copying answers from a neighbor. It is obvious they are trying to cheat.”
a. Depending on the timing of the violation, relocate student to position further away from any neighbor, or confiscate the exam for no credit — or if more forgiving, for continued test-taking option after school. Be prepared to have student removed if bad situation escalates.
b. Abruptly stop the test for everyone. Proclaim why it does not assess critical or creative thinking — then simply give answers to any and all multiple choice questions. Follow up exam by having students give themselves the grade they believe they deserve.1
Postscript: Teachers should avoid coming off as smug know-it-all wonders. We do hope our lengthy training in education schools across the country did prepare us for the common situations above — and even the less common, more difficult challenges which discourage way too many from staying with this ever-challenging profession.
We need to advocate for a better work-life balance, one which trusts teachers to manage their time before and after school, and reduce the impulse for excessive administrative-centered tedium.
In the months ahead, I also intend to start addressing the current state of public education within the context of the encroaching autocracy, including overly-hyped AI technologies and a rather gleefully adversarial President.
In other words, Happy Teacher Appreciation Week!
Baseball battery sunset, early May, Woodbridge, Detroit.
Photo by Ian Boyer
Belle Isle, Detroit. Guess what’s livelier, harmonious & enriching, kite flying or the mandatory staff meeting?
Photo by author
In all seriousness, in almost three decades of asking students to give themselves a final self-assessment, most will surprisingly give a similar mark to the teacher’s final grade — as long as they at least pass.
It's odd, but teaching seems to make you the eternally suppressed student, bound by top heavy bureaucracy, over the top restrictions and unnecessary and pedantic demonstrations to prove your worthiness. Though you have always been a rebel and are surely the fly in the ointment for these administrators, I wonder if there were better times for you in your early days of teaching where administrators were more supportive and teaching was something you looked forward to?